Kids. They can be cute. They can be annoying. They can be fun. They can just mostly be annoying. But I love kids. I love my nephew who is 3-years-old. I don’t love the stranger child bawling his eyes out at the grocery store while lying on the floor and kicking his legs. But I know when I have my children, i’ll love them unconditionally.
You see. We’ve all gotten away with at least 5 things when it came to growing up in our parents household. Yes, you’ve lied and said you were going to your best friends house when really you were going to a party. Yes, you’ve lied and said you were at the mall when you were at a guys house. And yes, you told your parents you needed extra gas money only to give that money to a 21-year-old to buy you beer.
Whatever. The only lesson i’ve learned thus far? Don’t trust your kids even when they are being cute. Here are 10 things my kids will never get away with.
1. Smoking anything that you inhale through your mouth.
Who does your laundry, young child? I do. That cigarette stench isn’t going to disappear the more you spray Fabreez or Ax over it. It’s going to smell worse. So stop.
2. “Mom. I’m going to the movies!”
No you’re not. No one goes to the movies anymore. You have Netflix and over 9000 television channels. What do you need to go to the movies for?
3. “Mom. Can I sleep over at Dana’s house?”
Oh yeah. You are definitely sleeping over at your best friends house. That one best friend that lives closest to that party everyone is going to. So yes, I know you are going to that party then spending the night at your friends. Did you forget your footie pajamas? I hope not!
4. “I did my homework.”
LOL ok. No you didn’t because you’ve been in your room Facebook stalking for the past 5 hours. I’m not stupid. I did the same thing. Get over yourself.
5. “Can I get a couple extra bucks for food?”
Obviously. Because food is good and I, myself, love food. Of course you can have money to *not* get food but instead just slip in your wallet.
6. “Can I get a couple extra bucks for gas?”
How about I just take your car and fill it up because if I give you money, you will only put $5 in your tank. Regardless.
7. “Mom. My books are $650 this semester. Ugh.”
No they are not. Your books are $415 but you just want the extra $235 to use at the bar. Where did you get that fake I.D. again?
8. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”
But you’re just sneaking out after 9pm to meet up with him because you are just friends, right?
9. “The movie lasted longer than expected. I’ll be home soon.”
That 90 minute movie that you decided to watch magically jumped to 2 and a half hours? I know you are at that party and not at your friends house/movie theatre.
10. “I can’t go. My stomach hurts. I think I have the flu”
You were throwing up all night. You drank more than you know how because you’re still a child and don’t know your limits yet. Get up. Get ready. And put your church clothes on.
11. “I need new clothes for (insert something related to school)”
Of course. That is the best excuse to get a shopping spree. Just mention something related to school and *bam* my credit card is your credit card.
12. “I got an A on that exam.”
Fml. No you didn’t. You got a C but you won’t worry about your grades until the last month before the semester is over. That midterm grade will really knock some sense in to you. Trust me.
13. “I’m not hungry.”
Eat your dinner because you say you’re not hungry NOW but in about 15 minutes, you’ll come stomping down the stairs whining about how hungry you are. Then I’ll have to get up from being snuggled up on the couch with your father only to make you food.
In conclusion: Don’t try to fool me.